[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
When you’re Kinky but poor
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?