A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH