Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It has been 3 years since Monday.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”