Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.