Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Every photo I’m tagged in
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Noah