Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
When news reporters do sports stories
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.