You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.