Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Acronyms got me like WTF?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT