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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this