STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Every time.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me too
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.