I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me, in DM rooms…
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
What the hell happened in there??
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
grotesque if literal: baby food
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.