#milo
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
me and the Superbowl rn
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?