The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I have no passwords left in me
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.