50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You Might Also Like
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?