That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
What my back needs
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Put this video in the Louvre
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.