*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
You Might Also Like
How software testing works
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
No chill.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*