how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
You Might Also Like
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I don’t hate children, just yours.