Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.