I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*mops up wine with cat*
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Miscakes
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*