[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?