Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity