Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The French word for sex is croissant.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations