[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.