[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.