My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
You Might Also Like
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.