*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My patience has stretch marks.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it