News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Botany good plants lately?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Not today. 😅
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.