Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were