100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless