[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
(Electricians.)
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.