I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.