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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
These are my roll models.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.