[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
This why you should mind your business
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside