Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.