i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”