Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You Might Also Like
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Grandmother clock.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana