I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You Might Also Like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
#math
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?