[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Canada has crack?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
#dnd #ttrpg
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.