AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.