Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.