Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Meeeee too!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days