an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
accurate
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I think they could have phrased this better
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked