I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit