Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>