Check out the legs on this baby
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?