[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest