If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Seas the day!!!!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.