MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I have a new favorite meme page
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.