New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You Might Also Like
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that