I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
You Might Also Like
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Cha-ching is my safe word
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be